Saturday, December 22, 2012

The NRA vs. Kindergarten Killer

“There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people. Through vicious, violent video games,” he began, and I let out a sigh somewhere between exasperation and bemused disdain. It sounded something like “huurrphruphlem,” for reference’s sake.

The truth is I’d been waiting for that moment from the very beginning of Wayne LaPierre’s speech, the pivotal moment where video games would be suddenly thrown up as the worst thing to happen since the holocaust. It’s one of those inevitable things that seems to happen with every widespread shooting since Columbine. Alright, let’s have a listen, what names will he throw up?

Splatterhouse 2 gameplay
In fairness, this game used to scare the living
daylights out of me.

“With names like Bulletstorm,” he continues. Hm, that’s an unusual target, although it does reward the player for creative kills. I can see why he’d include it. “Grand Theft Auto,” crikey, it must be a whole year since that was last deemed the downfall of man. “Mortal Kombat,” a title which would be more poignant if more than a tiny handful of characters in the series used guns, and even then only 15 years ago when it was still cool to use the series as a scapegoat. “And Splatterhouse,” he seems to finish, triumphantly. Well, if you want a game that teaches you possessed hockey masks are dangerous then you could certainly do worse, but honestly? This was a poor list of titles. Surely Call of Duty or Battlefield would have been better examples to back up your point of view, games that have realistic portrayals of violence in a (mostly) modern-day setting. Or maybe Counter Strike, a game Adam Lanza has actually been connected with?

Regardless, he’s rattled off a few generic examples. It seems a little bit foolish for the NRA to try and pin any blame for any shooting on video games given that they’ve released a few of their own, but I suppose at this point they’re thankful for any hatred they can deflect. Hang on - isn’t he finished?

“And here’s one, it’s called 'Kindergarten Killer.' It’s been online for 10 years. How come my research staff can find it, and all of yours couldn’t? Or didn’t want anyone to know you had found it?”

I’m slightly ashamed to admit that my first thought when I heard this was not “that’s a disgusting game” but rather “a video game I haven’t heard of? Preposterous!” After a fair amount of rather disgruntled research (read: frantic Googling) it became clear why I’d never heard of it; Kindergarten Killer is a ten year old flash game made by a single person.




Kindergarten Killer screenshot
It is surprisingly hard to get
a gore-free screenshot.

Yep, that’s right. A flash game made ten years ago by Gary Short, then only 18 years old, apparently shares 1/5th of the blame for the Newtown shooting. Ignoring the fact that the game is almost impossible to find without explicitly searching “Kindergarten Killer flash game” (which in turn means turning a blind eye to whatever disturbed web searches Wayne gets up to) Gary Short is not exactly a great chap to vilify. Within minutes of finding a cached version of his old website I found a (crude and very NSFW) post about how he explicitly hates hunting.

The game itself is fairly standard for old flash shoot-’em-ups and plays like an old pop-up gallery (or, because I’m suffering from an irony deficiency, a target range.) You play as a disgruntled janitor moving from room to room with a shotgun clearing out inexplicably armed children. The graphics are, predictably, very cartoony and simplistic, and the gore is extremely over-the-top and stylized.


I’ve seen a few rather confused news reports call it “stomach turning,” or “chilling,” and I suppose in a way it is. It was made by a kid who was doing his best to be controversial. Was it responsible, or even partial inspiration for the shooting? Not at all. In fact, the playable version I found had fewer than 50,000 hits, and I’d wager a good deal of those have come to light only after thousands of gamers were left scratching their head wondering what the devil LaPierre was talking about.

Interpret “what the devil LaPierre” as you see fit.

Super Columbine Massacre RPG! Marilyn Manson shout-out
Super Columbine Massacre RPG!
was bitingly satirical.

It brings to mind Super Columbine Massacre RPG!, a video game that also faced heavy controversy for being entirely based on the Columbine High School shootings. It was called “heartless” and “worshipping terrorists,” and led to all manner of death threats and general internet nastiness. In reality, it was an extremely intelligent video game where every second of meticulous research was on display, and you came away from it feeling suitably disturbed and shaken.


If you haven’t played this I heartily recommend it for a fine example of gaming as an art form, by the way.

Look, Wayne, I understand the position you’re in. You’ve had to remain silent out of respect while people campaign to, as you see it, take away your rights. This isn’t the case. You can have your guns, it’s just about time there were tighter regulations in place. Lanza should not have had such easy access to those firearms, and his mother should not have been allowed so many guns when she had a mentally disturbed son. What part of that is so hard for you to swallow? Unless Lanza was throwing Mortal Kombat discs around like makeshift shurikens is it really appropriate to bring up video games at all? It seems a bit weird to claim that playing games where you use firearms is more harmful than firearms themselves.

Instead of trying to drop the blame onto the media, listen to suggestions and ideas. Evolve them and help. Stop being so bloody stubborn. And please stop playing decade-old flash games!